If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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