The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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