I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
