Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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