you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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