Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
