Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Randomize
