Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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