I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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