Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
