I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
