You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
