Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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