It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
