When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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