What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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