She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
