I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
