who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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