Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Randomize
