I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
