I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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