Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
