I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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