i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
