We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
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My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
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I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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