we're chasing vodka with high fives
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
You were trust falling into bushes
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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