It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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