The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
