I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
