My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
