she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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