I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
