hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
