Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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