ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
