and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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