I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
