Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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