Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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