I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
