Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
