Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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