i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
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