im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
