One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
