There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Randomize
