that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
pray to the hookup gods
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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