when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
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