on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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