Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
