you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
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she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
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How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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