Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Randomize
