Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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