Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
