My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
where are you?
Hypothermia
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
