i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
‪Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best. ‬
Randomize
