I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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