im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
